I don't suppose you could just get me another one?
by Guardian Demon
Summary: Monty Python crossover-- it's the Midwinter Feast, and one of the guests has got a dirty fork. Chaos ensues. Rated PG for one curse word, one death, and severe OOC-ness.


I don't suppose you could just get me another one?

~ a Monty Python crossover by Cat~

Author's Note: I got a big ol' book of MP scripts for Christmas which means I am now armed and dangerous. Fear me… fwah… anymoo, it's the Dirty Fork Sketch, as interpreted and performed by Kel & Co. Some of them are a bit OOC, others are horribly so. I know. It was necessary for the purposes of the sketch… don't kill me.

~

(It's the Midwinter Feast at the royal castle. The pages- Kel and the others- are serving. Kel has just arrived at the table where Uline and some other noble ladies are sitting. She's got a tray of hors d'oeuvres, or some such type snacky-thing.)

Kel: Here are your appetizers. (She sets them down.) And what will you be having for the main course?

Uline: Oh, I don't know… what's good?

Kel: Well, I would suggest the pheasant, it's the cook's specialty- although you may also enjoy the brown rice, imported from the Yamani Islands.

Uline: Hm, well, it all looks wonderful… why don't you surprise me?

Kel: Of course, my lady.

Uline: Thank you. Oh, and by the way, I've got a bit of a dirty fork, could you possibly get me another one?

Kel: I beg your pardon?

Uline: Oh it's nothing… er, I've got a fork a little bit dirty, could you… er… get me another one?

Kel: (shocked) Oh! Oh, I do apologize…

Uline: Oh, no need, it doesn't worry me.

Kel: Oh no no no, I must apologize! I'll go get Master Oakbridge at once.

Uline: (also shocked) Oh there's no need to do that!

Kel: Oh no no… I'm sure Master Oakbridge will want to apologize to you himself. I'll go get him. (She scampers off, leaving Uline & co. blinking in silent surprise. Shortly later, Oakbridge comes striding up to the table, Kel trailing behind him.)

Oakbridge: Excuse me, ladies. (He examines the fork.) This is filthy, Mindelan… find out who washed this up, and tell them from me they've got a week's punishment work… better still, we can't afford to take chances, give all the first-years a week's work.

Uline: No look, I don't want to make trouble-

Oakbridge: Oh no please, no trouble. It's best that you point these things out. Mindelan, tell the king what has happened immediately. (Kel scampers off again.)

Uline: I don't want to cause any fuss.

Oakbridge: Please, it's no fuss. We just want to ensure that nothing interferes with your complete enjoyment of the feast.

Uline: Oh I'm sure it won't, it was only a dirty fork.

Oakbridge: I know. And I'm sorry, bitterly sorry, but I know that… no apologies I make can alter the fact that in our palace, you have been given a dirty, filthy, smelly piece of cutlery.

Uline: It wasn't smelly.

Oakbridge: It was, it was smelly and obscene and disgusting and I-hate-it-I-hate-it… nasty, grubby, dirty, mingy, scrubby little fork. Oh… (He runs off in hysterics.)

Jon: (arriving at the table) Good evening, ladies… I've only just heard. May I sit down?

Uline: Oh… yes, of course.

Jon: I want to apologize,humbly, deeply, and sincerely, about the fork.

Uline: Oh please- Your Majesty- it's only a tiny bit… I couldn't see it…

Jon: Ah, you're good kind fine people, for saying that, but I can see it… to me it's like a mountain, a vast bowl of pus.

Uline: It's not as bad as that…

Jon: It gets me *here*. I can't give you any excuses for it- there *are* no excuses. I've been meaning to spend more time at Court recently, but I haven't been too well… (emotionally) things aren't going very well back there. Duke Baird's poor son has been put away again, and those poor pages who do the washing up can hardly move their poor bruised fingers, and then there's Keladry's horrible painful scars from all those fights- but they're good people, and they're kind people, and together we were beginning to get over this dark patch… there was light at the end of the tunnel… now this… now this…

Uline: (extremely concerned) Can I get you some water?

Jon: (in tears) It's the end of the road!!

(Raoul enters, drawn up to his full height (!!), enraged and carrying a meat cleaver.)

Raoul: (shouting) You bastards! You vicious, heartless bastards! Look what you've done to him! He's worked his fingers to the bone to make this court what it is, and you come in with your petty feeble quibbling and you grind him into the dirt, this fine, honourable man whose boots you are not worthy to kiss. Oh… it makes me mad… mad! (He slams the cleaver into the table. Kel comes running up and tries to restrain him.)

Kel: Easy, my lord… easy… my lord Goldenlake… OOH! (She clutches her side in agony.) The battle scars… the scars… oh…

Jon: This is the end! The end! Aaargh! (He stabs himself with the fork..)

Raoul: They've destroyed him! He's dead!! They killed him!!! (He goes completely mad.)

Kel: (still trying to restrain him) My lord! Never kill a guest… (in pain) Oh… the scars! The scars! (She and Raoul fight furiously and fall over the table.)

~~Caption: "AND NOW THE PUNCH LINE"~~

Uline: Lucky I didn't say anything about the dirty knife…

~

Disclaimer: Tamora Pierce owns the characters and the setting, Monty Python owns the plot and most of the dialogue. All I did was put them together. 

Another author's note: Support a broke authoress. Review. (Well, it won't get me any money, but it'll make me feel special, and I just might do another one of these…)


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